pregnancy

I often find myself wondering... is this ever going to end. Don't get me wrong, I love this little baby growing inside me, but I don't "love" being pregnant. It's not even like I've had a hard pregnancy so I somewhat feel guilty for even saying that.

I feel like sometimes I may be the only one out there that feels this way. Being pregnant has been a roller coaster of emotions. Not speaking hormonal, just plain emotional for me. It took a few years for my husband and I to get to this point and I've always dreamed about what it would be like, needless to say it's not quite how I expected it would be. First off I know everyone carries and shows differently, but I feel like I'm "HUGE" for how far along I am. It depresses me. Most days I don't feel pregnant but just fat.

Feeling the baby move is something of joy and excitement, but there too I have concerns. I hear everyone talk about how active their babies are and to be honest this little sweet soul only moves once a day and that is usually at night when I'm tired and sore and trying to sleep.  Is there something wrong? my doctor always reassures my husband and I, every ultrasound (and we've had quite a few) shows a very strong and healthy heartbeat. I often joke this baby is just lazy... taking after it's daddy. But truth be told my husband is anything but lazy.

Speaking of my husband... I love him more now than I ever have, he's been so good going to every single doctors appt, spending money on things for me and the baby even against my protest (major points for buying my that lifesaving prego pillow) but sometime I feel like I'm not doing a good enough job caring for this baby, it's almost like he would be better at it than me.

All of this comes as quite a shock. You see, I have few younger siblings and I've always been kind of a 2nd mother to them. I've always felt and have been told I'm one who has that natural mother instinct. But lately I just feel lost.

I get annoyed with people when they make comments on how big my belly is getting, I shouldn't but I do. I guess I'm just taking these comments the wrong way but it concerns me. Am I going to have a huge baby?!? Have I put on too much weight? I haven't even felt like taking a single pregnancy picture. I know I should but I just don't want to. I'm sure I'll regret it if I don't document and cherish this time but in the moment as of now it all makes me overwhelmed and depressed for a lack of better words. It doesn't help that my husband keeps nagging me to take photos' that His mother keeps asking for updates. For me this pregnancy/baby is going to change so much in my life that I'm not 100% ready for those changes.

I shouldn't complain and I'm not really trying to... I'm lucky to be where I am, I know so many people dying to have children, shoot I was one of them, but for reasons unexplained they are having trouble getting pregnant or keeping a baby to full term. I guess what I really need to ask myself... "is this normal, do others out there feel the same as I do?"

I know everything I'm going through right now is worth it. That this little baby, boy or girl, makes it all worth while in every possible way. I can not wait for the day I get to hold MY baby in my arms and love it unconditionally for all eternity.